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I hope you see this…

When you can’t find me… who knows, you have abandoned me,

thank you for making friendship cheap and humanity cheaper.

There is nothing I can say; you left me here,

and they just took away the last straw.

 

The girl afraid of thunder, sirens and celebration

For days I have this urge I wish to get rid of, the kind that you know nobody could understand but one, yet being in exile or excommunicated doesn’t make it any easier. We once thought that friends are close and they would try to have compassion and, more importantly empathy, thus talking to them seems like a good idea. After all, you only want people in your court standing right behind you cheering. For days I wish I could have that, can’t fake a smile anymore, I got tired and then … somehow the laziness in me took over and routinely I ride back and forth to the same place, almost emotionless.

I am way too calm this time. Too calm.

Funny how this time, nobody talks to me and tells me that things are alright. And deep down I can only hope they are, though the first few cards tell me that they are not. Like everything, we all need a bit of luck.

Well, what kind of good and bad does it make if I ever break the news? I wonder. No comforting words will be harvested. I know how I grow quieter and quieter these days. Over the course of a week, I barely speak to anyone, even the closest, especially the closest people.

I dare not to say a word. But it is not fine. Not fine at all.

Time will heal but there is no time to waste.

2 years lost and never found. My soul and heart were all burnt out. Today’s the day I realised, at some point in my life that I really wish to hold on to all the people I once befriended with and hope we could be like that forever. Though this is a wonderful dream, nobody can really tell if your shopping buddy today is going to be you shopping buddy 30 years later. This is a good wish, although it is not so realistic.

At the age of 6 I thought I was well trained to part with my then best friend. And it is true when you were a know nothing little babe, you did think that the person showed up at your door every day for a play date is going to be your best friend forever. What a dumb and silly idea. I lost her and she was never found, even we tried. I remember how awkward that birthday dinner 18 years afterwards. Me with my uni classmates talking and there wasn’t a thing she would understand. Or, simply, two girls sitting in a coffee shop didn’t chat much but obsessively throwing unknown hints or desperately getting some wifi signal just to get by with a few texts and facebook posts. Time almost stopped when the hour was dull.

Then there were major betrayals and the unilateral excommunication that vexed me. These little pebbles hurt your feet when you walk the path. When you understand not all lost could be found, maybe I will let it go too.

The myth of having a good friend and you don’t want to let go…well, that is when the good time expires, all is left…no, there weren’t even memories left. Sorry

 

Afloat

She swam in the sea without a compass, not knowing where she was heading. Even when there was no sense of direction, she wouldn’t admit that she was lost. All she had was water running through her fingers and bubbles brushing her lips. The salty taste was bitter, so were her tears.

Swimming in the pitch dark waters was a dangerous. The sharp coldness that bladed through her stomach whenever a mild current went under. Kicking wouldn’t speed her up, what’s the point of going fast when there was nothing ahead but another shade of blue?

Her legs stretched out, arms extended, the unintended pose crying for help. Still this drop in the ocean was unnoticed. The world was big and she was alone.

Her life was simple, it was all about keeping afloat.

~ Cant sleep at 5 in the morning, consider this a cry for help, again unnoticed.

 

2018

It is funny how time flies without us knowing. Well, I don’t know what I should write, in fact, I am not familiar with writing these days. The other day I read about Kawabata’s autobiography and found that he indeed put every single detail of his life into words. Maybe I should do that… Win, lose or draw.

There are things that I want to say, in stead of wallowing in deep sorrow that I know I am never going to get the time back. Those were happy times, and some sad times but after all, everything is gone and I am here, trying to get up from that battle field.

This is…2018 and a new beginning of everything.

I promise I will write more.

Happy New Year

I don’t think 2017 is going to be happy and it is only the first day of February.

Solitude still haunts me, somewhat. It affects me less now because wounds are meant to be healed at some point and bridges, even you had no intention to burn them, still, the char of my heart is still very much visible. Right there, a darkened part of me that needs more time or more humanity. I avoid love or the idea of love, humanity is the safe word, love is only a brouhaha concept.

This year I decide not to write up a resolution but a motto, since I could not follow all the ambitious and fallacious items that I want to do every year, with the exception of travelling ideas, so far, I always obeyed my heart and went to those imaginary sanctuaries. I found my peace there, only returned to chaos once I got back home.

The motto of 2017 — I don’t give a fuck.

Come what may, my heart is weak but I am not scared.

 

Breaking down

I know these days will be felt like this, very very blue. Panic suddenly hits me out of nowhere, I was so scared that my hands are shaking.

I want to scream until my lungs burst into bubbles, then drown in the deep blue ocean.

They call this depression. But I feel like it is more than that. I am falling apart. Right now.

Do the countdown and see me go.

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